What if I can’t, what if I can?

Lately I’m trying to follow my fears, instead of trying to escape them. So I spend a lot of time with questions like: “Am I good enough? Am I lovable? What if I can’t function in this world? What if I can’t take care of myself?”. And lately I’ve been listening to this song.. For weeks actually.. And there is a line that triggered my heart very deeply, and here it goes: “What if I can’t, what if I can?”. The second part of this line touched me in a very profound way. What if I can? What if I’m good enough. What if I’m lovable. What if I can function. I can take care of myself. Very powerful. Especially after spending weeks with “what if I can’t”..

If I be wrong

What if I’m wrong, what if I’ve lied
What if I’ve dragged you here to my own dark night
And what if I know, what if I see
There is a crack run right down the front of meWhat if they’re right, what if we’re wrong
What if I’ve lured you here with a siren song?

But if I be wrong, if I be right
Let me be here with you tonight

Ten thousand cars, ten thousand trains
There are ten thousand roads to run away

But I am not lost, I am not found
I am not Dylan’s wife, not Cohen’s hound

But if I be wrong, if I be right
Let me be here with you tonight

And what if I can’t, what if I can
What if I’m just an ordinary man

If there is a will, there is a way
I will escape for sure, I am David Blane

But if I be wrong, if I be right
Let me be here with you
If I be wrong, if I be right
Let me stay here in your arms tonight
And I have been wrong, I have been right
I have been both these things all in the same night
So if I be wrong, if I be right
Let me here, with you, tonight.

 

Songwriter: Sarah Ramey

ifibewrong
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Schlaflos

Ich kann schon seit Wochen nicht mehr normal schlafen. Ich habe das Gefühl, ich kann mein Leben nicht so weiter führen. Es kann einfach nicht so weiter gehen. Es kommt mir vor, wenn ich jetzt einschlafe, kommt morgen schneller und mein Leben bleibt unverändert. Ich muss einen Weg finden. Und so bleibe ich wach und versuche zu spüren. Zu spüren, wo ich falsch abgebogen bin und wie komme ich zu mir zurück.

Wenn ich so nachts in meinem Bett liege und mich beobachte, merke ich, dass ich mich gar nicht kenne. Ich habe mich nie wirklich kennengelernt. Ich habe auf mich nicht aufgepasst. Eigentlich im Gegenteil, ich war immer da, um mich zu bestrafen und nieder zu machen. Wann geht das zu Ende? Werde ich jemals mich selbst begegnen? Werde ich mich lieben lernen? Mitfühlend mit mir umgehen? Ich habe das Gefühl, dass ich sehr weit davon entfernt bin. Ich bin so voller Angst. Aber dies Mal, für Abwechslung, versuche ich diese Angst zu umarmen.

sleepless

Schmerz fühlen

Ich bin gerade dabei meinen Schmerz in vollem Umfang zu spüren.. Alles, was in mir gibt. Eigentlich schon seit Tagen. Und es tut so weh! Auch physisch. Ich frage mich, wie kommt es, dass ich so viel Schmerz angesammelt habe. Warum laufen wir von dem Schmerz weg? Was wäre, wenn wir von Kind an lernen würden, dass Schmerz, was normales ist. Dass es ein unvermeidlicher Teil unseres Lebens ist. Es gäbe dann wahrscheinlich kein Widerstand. Kein Wunsch die schmerzhafte Momente weg zu streichen.

Was machen wir wenn Schmerz da ist? Kritisieren wir uns, dass wir es nicht verhindert haben? Machen wir uns nieder? Versuchen wir den um jeden Preis zu vermeiden? Uns betrinken, einen warmen Körper finden, um sich zu vergessen? Oder suchen wir einen Streit um diese Energie loszuwerden? Warum nicht mitfühlend reagieren? Warum nicht sich trösten? Wie man es mit einem guten Freund machen würde. Man würde den Freund nicht anschreien, nicht kritisieren, nicht nieder machen. Warum machen wir dann es mit uns selbst?

frau

As I began to love myself

So beautiful and so deep:

As I began to love myself

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

~Charlie Chaplin

chaplin

Life in terror

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

~Mark Twain

How come, that we spend so much time of our lives in fear? How many moments do we enjoy? How come, that we know its crazy and still do it? Why is it so hard to stop?

Now, when my life is nothing it used to be, I’m glad to be free, but also scared as hell that I can’t survive. That the world will eat me alive. I’ve heard the world is kind. I’ve heard that I need to believe. But in the night, when I’m lying here completely alone in the dark, only rain helps me to trust. To connect. To be here. If it wouldn’t be for rain, I would be lost in my thoughts and my little terror.

rain

Lost

lostgirl4

My journey starts here. At this very moment. And at this very moment I’m lost and hurting. And it’s all right.

I’m used to being strong. I’m used to reaching my goals.. Like always. But everything has its price. If you are strong all the time be ready to break down. Be ready to hurt. Be ready to hit rock bottom.

So I’m learning to be weak. I’m learning to feel pain and not to try to run away from it. And what I’m discovering so far, is that pain is not something terrible. It’s a source. Source for a transformation. Let’s see where it takes me. I’m curious and scared!